Feelings are Not for Sissies
Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D.
- EI Mentor, Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D.
What is the difference between someone who is “in charge” and someone who is an effective leader?
What takes someone from parenting to being an effective parent?
What do 90% of high performers have that middle of the road workers often lack?
What makes someone go from being an acquaintance to a valued friend?
What skill determines 58% of your job performance?
What is that something special that some people have that makes them so easy to like, so easy to follow, easy to be around and someone who can resolve conflict or deliver hard news without creating more hurt?
The answer to all of these questions is the same: High Emotional Intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence (which I like to call EI instead of EQ because EI makes more sense to me) is one of, or perhaps even my most, favorite subjects to teach, discuss, ponder and learn.
I was first introduced to the concept of EI over twelve years ago by one of the world’s leading coaches, Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D. She was teaching a workshop called “Outsmart Your Brain” and my female manager of the male-dominated company I worked for had the wisdom and foresight to bring Dr. Reynolds in to work teach the staff. I was lucky enough to be one of them.
EI was not a new idea for me, but the application of how to increase EI and how important it is in experiencing a happier, more successful life was exceptionally useful and jump started me on a lifelong journey of learning through the EI lens.
So, what is Emotional intelligence? Simply stated, it is the ability to understand my own emotions, manage my own emotions, be aware of the emotions of others, and then manage my relationships and interactions with others with all of that information working together instead of against each other. High EI is a two-fold process: Awareness and Action.
The world Emotion actually means “to move”. Emotions are a call to action and everyone has them. Everyone is being called to do something when they have feelings. Happy emotions create a desire to celebrate, rejoice, play, laugh, smile, connect; move towards something else. Sad emotions create a desire to pull away from, retreat, protect, cry, soothe. Angry emotions are high energy and can be combination of directions of movement, but it is movement just the same. This is what is so important about emotions; they happen in between a thought (or belief) and a behavior (action). The more aware we are of the emotions we are experiencing and that others are experiencing, the better chance we have of understanding ourselves, others, and how to choose our behaviors, actions, words to move us towards positive goals and resolutions.
It is not easy, but it is important if we are to improve our level of success in our personal experiences, our relationships and our world.
Dreams to Reality: Where to Start
I have never met a person who didn’t have a dream. Everyone wants something, right? What is your dream? How much do you want it? Do you want it enough to actually do what it takes to get it? What exactly does it take to get it? Where do you start?
Not all dreams have to be monumental. Reaching our little dreams can produce a great deal of satisfaction and can really add up to one incredible journey. Consistently achieving my little dreams is actually a strategy of mine for reaching larger ones. Here’s how it looks:
Big dream: I want to be a catalyst for change that results in the world being more balanced and peaceful by having more women in leadership roles. I want to live in a world where a woman is not held back from being a respected decision maker because of her gender; a world where girls can dream as big as boys, no matter where they are born.
Smaller dream: Travel internationally to places in the world where women have not had opportunities to know they are capable, smart, strong and able to change the rules for themselves and future generations.
Smaller still dream: Facilitate locally with groups of women to help them connect to each other, support each other, feel valued and capable to reach their own personal and professional goals. Help them create action plans, momentum and achievement of those goals.
Smaller again dream: Help a woman in my own community feel and embrace her value and step confidently outside of her comfort zone of playing small and feeling her own success.
Smaller again: Be completely present and tell a young girl that I see her talent and ability clearly in her eyes and that I truly believe in her greatness.
Smallest and most important dream I strive to reach every day: I give up having to be perfect before I start (again). I get out of bed and I show up. I honor myself and am grateful for the opportunity to spend my day chasing my dreams…and reaching them. This is where I start and without this, nothing else will happen. So…remember that Big Dream? It is absolutely within reach as I continue to reach every dream listed underneath it consistently, passionately and inclusively (yes, bring others along with you!). It always starts with the first smallest dream put into action.
The world is run by those who keep showing up.
Women to Women: Catalyst or Cat Fight?
While shopping today at one of my favorite stores in one of my favorite departments, I came across a saleswoman who had something to say. It wasn’t what I was expecting. She told me that she disliked working with women and found them to be back-stabbing, conniving, jealous, manipulative and generally untrustworthy. No matter how much I was tempted to disagree, or try to persuade her otherwise, I held my tongue and let her talk. This, unfortunately, has been her experience over a long career in the public service sector before retiring out of frustration and now working for minimum wage – in the upscale ladies department of course.
This conversation stood out in my mind as I continued to shop in her area and contemplated how her experience could be so different from mine. I came from the helping and public service field too. I founded a women’s only business group. I have worked with over 1,000 women over the past 10 years. I am highly involved with professional women’s groups with a local combined network of approximately 750 women. I love being around them and spending my time and myself with them.
It was surprising to me to meet a woman whose opinion about women was so opposite of my own. As I continued to listen to her talk with others, I started to understand. I heard her make comments about how unhappy she is living in the heat, how she is caring for aging parents (and therefore can’t move), how she feels “psycho” when the other sales associates move the displays, how she thinks her lunch break should be moved by 30 minutes to make her day feel shorter and how she sees her job as helping ordinary people dress up so that they can look the part of being successful; whether or not they really are. After several minutes I realized that her conversation was a litany of complaints no matter what the subject. Wow. I found myself feeling quite grateful to be living in my own head and not in hers.
The experiences that we get in this world are often nothing more than a reflection of ourselves and what we choose to see. Now that is not to say that this woman did not have legitimate negative experiences while working with other women, but there comes a point when holding onto that experience only serves to drain her of her own positive and creative energy. I found myself wondering how many nice women appeared to be unkind to her once she expected them to be.
The bottom line is this: whatever you are looking for, you will find it – whether it be in yourself or someone else.
I encourage you to find the good in yourself and others. I encourage us all to be mindful and take unecessary complaints out of our conversations. Refusing to gossip, complain, or whine and lifting ourselves above the pettiness of negative judgmental thinking will not only continually improve how others feel, but it will continually improve your own experience inside and out. What we focus on grows.
It has been my experience that the vast majority of women I meet are kind, smart, helpful, and talented in their own unique ways. The more I notice and appreciate the gifts that we each bring, the more amazing women I meet!
Women help women to change the world by refusing the cat-fight and becoming the catalyst instead!
What I Learned Today…
Every moment is a new beginning and a chance for new perspective. No, that isn’t what I learned today – that is one of my life philosophies that I try to live by (in the moments that I remember to anyway). I am not a fully enlightened person or a guru or a prophet. I am a loving, curious, flawed human being that sometimes makes mistakes and will make sure I never stop learning.
Yes, I know; sometimes I say things like “you are PERFECT just the way you are”…and here I am; a flawed person telling you how perfect you are. It can sound confusing unless you know the other belief behind it. See…I am perfect too – even with all of my flaws, shortcoming and things that I have yet to learn. Apparently I do not subscribe to the Webster definition of Perfect…which is pretty darn unattainable. What exactly is the point in that? I think we were all raised with enough feelings of inadequacy to go looking for more as adults. It may be just a healthy rebellion to refuse to carry shame for my flaws and to have the audacity to believe that I am exactly where I need to be at any given moment…but whatever the reason, it is working for me and I choose to keep it.
I enjoy being a work in progress.
So, here is what I learned today: This is not Earth shattering, and is likely not to change your life – but I am hoping it will be of service –
When the neighbors have a loud pool party on a lovely Sunday afternoon and I am home alone, then my first reaction is to feel left out (my neighbors are very good at having a good time). I recognize this less than optimal feeling and stop to remember that the neighbors and I are friends and that if I want to go to the party, all I have to do is walk next door and be welcomed in. Then I realize that I was completely enjoying the alone time prior to hearing the festivities and suddenly feel curious to how hearing other people laughing on the other side of the wall can damper the good thing I had going. I choose to stay put and be happy with myself. Perhaps I will go next time (this is a regular occurrence next door). I learned that I am perfectly happy in either place as long as I choose to be. The sound of laughter from the next yard now sounds more like music than the sound of missing out.
The realization that I had is that lessons in choosing your perspective sometimes have to be practiced and reinforced over and over before they really stick. Just because you have to stop, think, choose and redirect yourself doesn’t mean you didn’t learn the lesson; it just means you are human and you will have a human response. What you do with it is the lesson.
Enjoy your experience!
You are Bigger than You Think
Thankfully, this post is NOT about weight or body issues. This is a post about the real you – the one that is at your very core. The one that is connected to all others. The one with infinite potential and ability to do what the ego deems impossible. Your true authentic self. It’s an awesome thing – this thing called YOU. It is infinite. It is powerful. It can change the world.
So, what do you think about that? Does the idea of being powerful scare you, excite you, or both? Personally, if I am being completely honest, it both scares me and excites me. I like this combination – it fuels growth and change.
One of my favorite sayings is “A mind, once expanded by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes. Another is “Go as far as you can see; when you get there, you will be able to see farther.” – J.P.Morgan
When I think back to even a short five years ago, I didn’t envision myself where I am today. I didn’t know what was coming and I thought I had my own basic life plan. Looking back I realize now that I was thinking small. I was playing safe and welcoming tasks and projects that kept me busy so that I didn’t have time to put action behind the dreams of playing a bigger game. I kept myself on the sidelines or at best, in the back field, and watched others make the decisions. I wasn’t sure that I had what it took to be a game changer in the bigger arena. I don’t regret that time, it served a purpose to me then and it serves as a reminder to me now. It was valuable, but that was a time that I can now never return to again. I have been expanded…and it all began with one quiet moment that brought me to a question that changed the way I live my life; “what if you are bigger than you think you are?”
Seems like a simple enough question, but the answer wasn’t even an answer – it was a series of questions that were suddenly inescapable to me.
- If I am bigger than I think I am, then why am I spending my time and energy playing small?
- If I am capable of more, then why I am doing less?
- If I am powerful beyond measure, then why do I behave as if I have limitations?
- What would happen if I dared to step outside of my comfort zone and test my true size?
- What would I be responsible for if I failed?
- What would I responsible for if I succeeded?
- If I succeeded, would it change me too much? Would I lose the parts of me that I like best, or will they grow too?
- What is stopping me from being the kind of person that I would admire?
At that point something happened. I realized that simply by having those thoughts, I was expanding. I could not go back. I could see further. I got out of my own way and the view expanded again. I took full responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my beliefs, my circumstance and the view expanded again. These questions are still relevant to my growth and there are more that have joined them. The more I know, the more there is to know. The more I live, the more life opens up. The bigger I allow myself to play, the smaller the world becomes and the more I am connected to it.
Take a step forward and see how the view expands. You don’t need to wait. You know what you need to know and will learn more as you grow. You are already enough and you are not as much as you are about to be.
You are bigger than you think you are.
Women change the world when we embrace who and what we are and refuse to be anything less.
