I am Choosing the Rainbow Matriarchy
The societal experiment of Straight White Patriarchy is not our best option.
For centuries, the default operating system of society has been failing the vast majority of people. This is my blog. This is how I see it. If you already want to fight me, you are most likely a straight white male or your sense of security and purpose are closely tied to one. I get it. Owning your privilege isn’t comfortable. The societal framework that you were born into gave you an advantage that other people do not get. You can be mad at me for pointing it out. Being mad about facts doesn’t change them.
Our institutions, economies, medical research, leadership norms, many religions, and even our definitions of success have been based on a “straight white men first” view. This works really well if you are one. Not so much if you are not. Straight White Man with Money? This society was built for you. Yep. Just you. What will you do with it? Here is what it has done so far:
Patriarchy, as a system, prioritizes hierarchy, competition, self-first prioritization, extraction (wealth and power hording), and control. While these traits have potentially managed to produce innovation and progress in some ways, they have created far more fractures:
- Gender inequality.
- Racial inequality.
- Workplace burnout.
- Environmental degradtation.
- Political polarization.
- Rape culture.
- Undervalued critical work (underpaid care workers – far too many people suffering)
- A capitalist society that is about to devour everyone not at the top before it eventually devours them too.
This is not sustainable.
AND, to be clear, this is not a man-bashing. Patriarchy isn’t a man. Patriarchy is a system and it isn’t failing because men are failing. It is failing because any system built on imbalance eventually collapses under its own weight. Today’s men were born into a system that already existed for generations. They were born into a world that works best for them. It is impossible to see the color or your own eyes without the help of reflection. It is harder for them to see another way to do this and even harder to see how it would be beneficial to them…and yet, it would.
The experiment is nearing the tipping point. The patriarchy is on fire. The wider the gap becomes between the haves and the have nots, the more people are waking up. And I am here for it. 100%.
So, if not this, then what? What do we do instead? I’m glad you asked. I believe that the healing we need looks more like a rainbow matriarchy. Yes, I am aware of how silly that sounds but hear me out.
I am not talking about flipping the hierarchy or replacing one dominance structure with another. I am talking about the exploration of how different values, priorities, and leadership styes might shape a more balanced and civil society. I want a world where everyone is valued and belongs; where we don’t sacrifice any chance of a healthy, harmonic future for the planet and all that live here by making selfish, harmful choices today.
The rainbow includes all colors. All abilities. All genders (yes, ALL genders, mind your own identity and stay out of people’s personal gender business already).
A true matriarchal society isn’t the mirror opposite of patriarchy (this is not Barbieland versus Kendom). It’s not women ruling over men. A true matriarchy includes everyone:
- Collaboration being valued over competition
- Care and community being valued as economic assets. Elders, children, and those with special needs would be cared for.
- More diplomacy, less militarization. Matriarchal societies don’t kill each other’s children for power, land, or ego.
- Prevention over punishment. This includes community accountability instead of purely punitive “justice”. The fractures of Patriarchy are at the root of most crime. Desperate people do desperate things. As the power and wealth get distributed to the few, and basic resources disappear to the masses, survival takes precedence over the rule of law – especially when the laws are stacked in favor of those with the wealth and power.
- Long-term thinking guiding policies and investments. Multi-generational leadership models and decision for a better future for people who haven’t even been born yet. That’s a true legacy.
- Emotional Intelligence being recognized and honored as a leadership strength
- Shared power instead of rigid heirachy. Patriarchy was never designed for everyone to thrive. A more balanced model that honors care, community and shared leadership – which absolutely includes men too – makes more sense.
Historically, matriarchal or matrilineal societies consistently have themes of balance, reciprocity, and collective well-being at their core. Holistic leadership that includes empathy, collaboration, adaptability look normal in a matriarchy.
Matriarchy, again, is not about women dominating. It is an integration of all members of society with balance, collaboration, care, sustainability and shared power at the core.
I choose the Rainbow Matriarchy. Today. I am not waiting and expecting it to happen on the hope that this is what rises from the ashes once this unsustainable system burns down.
What is at the end of the Rainbow Matriarchy? A shared pot of gold and a welcoming hug. No, really. That’s what it would feel like.
Women Leaders; More and Now
Turns out, the leaders I truly admire most are women.
This is not a bold statement to anyone who knows me. I have been dedicated to fostering healthy, educated, connected women leadership for literally decades. Being in the field of growing women’s leadership does not, however, automatically mean that I think women are great leaders simply because they are women. There are also exceptional leaders who are not women and when I started on my own journey, most of the leaders I knew were certainly not women. Gender does not automatically destine anyone for great leadership. Still, I believe that it is important to back up statements with clarity on WHY the leaders I admire most are women. It isn’t simply by virtue of being a woman that makes the difference. It is the feminine energy leadership qualities that counter-balance the aggressive, competitive, and divisiveness of masculine energy authoritarian style leadership.
I believe we (meaning the majority of the world – not just in the United States), are at a place where leadership matters more than it has in a very long time. Where I see the strongest, healthiest, most productive leadership happening today is among the successful women leaders – and the world definitely could use some more of them.
I have known, worked with, worked for, and thoughtfully observed many different leaders throughout my career. I am not young anymore, so the list has grown to be quite long. The best leaders that I have known are not just those who are able to make tough calls; they are the ones who have vision, empathy, adaptability, and the ability to inspire. They are the inclusive leaders who see beyond themselves and their own personal gain. Nearly every time I have observed all of these qualities existing together in a leader, that leader was also a woman. Today I work daily with women business owners who are in the top 2% of women owned businesses in the United States. The advanced level leadership characteristics are no longer rare for me to find among the leaders I know. Women business owners are excelling in these areas, proving time and again that their leadership style not only drives results but also fosters healthier, more innovative workplaces, and more cohesive communities which honor and encourage diversity in all of it’s forms (yes, including men).
The Qualities That Set Women Leaders Apart
- Empathy as a Strength
Women leaders often lead with empathy, creating environments where employees feel heard, valued, and motivated. This emotional intelligence builds trust, reduces turnover, and encourages collaboration — all essential for long-term success. Inside of the circle of leaders that I know, they also do this for each other; it is not reserved for employees inside of their own operations. Exceptional women leaders use their strength of empathy to benefit each other.
- Collaborative Problem-Solving
Rather than making decisions from the top-down, many of the strongest leaders I know embrace inclusive leadership. They seek diverse perspectives; they ask questions and seek different points of view from their teams and their peers of other business owners. They truly listen to understand, consider, and expand their view, which leads to more creative solutions and stronger team buy-in when it is time to change course.
- Resilience and Adaptability
Women business owners frequently navigate unique challenges — from breaking through gender bias to balancing multiple roles. This resilience translates into an ability to pivot quickly, manage crises effectively, and keep teams focused during uncertainty.
Why Supporting Women Business Owners Matters
- Economic Growth: Women-owned businesses contribute billions to the economy and create millions of jobs. Every woman I work with in my mastermind groups has a team of employees that they feel responsible to. Supporting them fuels local and national economic development.
- Diverse Perspectives: More women in leadership means more innovation. Diverse leadership teams outperform less diverse ones in profitability and problem-solving.
- Social Impact: Women entrepreneurs often invest back into their communities, champion social causes, and create opportunities for others; including other women. The good ole’ boys club tends to fill their own pockets and those of their friends only.
How We Can Support Women Leaders
- Buy from Women-Owned Businesses: Every purchase is a vote for the kind of economy we want to see. If you want to see more inclusivity, more economic growth at the community level, then invest your money with women-owned businesses.
- Mentorship & Networking: Share knowledge, connections, and resources to help women entrepreneurs grow. Set aside the patriarchal idea of competition and reach your hand, heart, and knowledge towards another women.
- Advocate for Equal Access: Push for fair funding opportunities, representation in leadership spaces, and policies that support work-life balance. Use your voice and add it to the other voices of women who are standing up in the advocacy arena. Stay informed. Don’t give up.
- Here is my shameless, biased plug: Join NAWBO. The National Association of Women Business Owners. For 50 years they have been advocating for women owned businesses across the country and continue to stand strong today.
Final Thought
Supporting women business owners isn’t about fairness or picking someone based on gender alone. It is about building a stronger, more innovative, and more inclusive future for all. When women lead, businesses thrive, communities flourish, and the ripple effect benefits everyone. Personally, I think the ultra-wealthy white men who are holding the majority of the world’s wealth have much more than what they need already. As they get wealthier, the majority of the rest of society struggles harder. Let’s do better. Women lead for the betterment of all; let’s have more of that. Now.
One World Women
One woman’s life lived in service touches many lives yet to be born in places she will never see. One woman changes the world. What about three?
Every person wants to be relevant. Every person wants to make a ripple in the waters of life (and sometimes a full-on tidal wave). Wanting is not the same as doing. This writing is in dedication to the doers.
While doing something monumental is not actually required to live a life in service to Good, I am honored to know people who have said yes to a larger calling and whom, in spite of fear, are saying “yes” to being agents of change and leading the way. There are many of them all over the world, but I am going to focus on just these two for now. Tshering and Madalene.
In a country that often times can feel a little too self-righteous, individualistic, and overly singularly focused on it’s own existence, it can be easy to forget (or even to believe) that there are smart, driven, courageous people living in all corners of this world who are actively working for a better tomorrow for all. I am here to tell you that they are there and now they are here. I could not be more thrilled!
For four months, I have the honor of hosting two incredible women from two other far corners of our world. Tshering from Bhutan and Madalene from Zambia. East Asia and the Southern region of Africa. Two places that most Americans will never see, visit, or think about when they think about women working for a better world. Do you know where these countries are? Google them. I’ll wait here until you get back.
Both women have started non-profits in their own countries to help women learn how to start businesses and how to raise themselves and future generations from poverty. They are focused on preserving culture, putting in place practices to support sustainability for our planet, and creating a more equitable and safer world for women and children not only in their countries, but beyond. Not only for their own families, but for generations of families across communities.
These women are brave and determined. They joined a program that allowed them to spend four months working abroad without pay in order to learn and connect and plan. They travelled half way around the globe to spend four months in the company of people they had never met, working with successful organizations where they could contribute and learn. They left their families, their husbands, their children in order to submerge themselves in leadership growth. Their growth is happening quickly and profoundly and they will return stronger, connected, and with a deeper understanding and education to benefit their efforts and expand their impact. The difference they will make will be rooted in more than passion and purpose, it will be backed by a larger network and knowledge than before.
They are part of IREX.ORG and are working directly as my team members at NAWBO.ORG for four months. They came here to learn, and as they fulfill their objectives, they are doing something even bigger; they are expanding everyone that they work with. We are learning together. We are expanding each other. We are all learning and something we have learned the most is that we are not the United States. We are not Bhutan. We are not Zambia. We are One World.
We come from three corners of the world, and we share one heart. We want a better world for our children; our children of the world. We are One World Women and we are making a difference together.
Blog Revival
The time-space-continuum of the 2020 – 2022 conundrum occurred. What does this mean? Two years disappeared from relative existence since my last blog. How? I wish I knew for sure, but it seems that this is a phenomenon that many people experienced. Time worked differently in the past two years than how it did before the pandemic. It is time for a Revival. It is time to get going again.
It isn’t that I have a specific thing to say to share with you this moment that is prompting me to write again. Instead, it is that I have too many things to say and they are all swirling around together making soup of what could be something useful or relevant if I could take it out of its current context of too muchness. Two years is too long for me be outwardly silent when there is so much happening inside.
I know I am not alone in this. I am seeing articles everywhere about overwhelm. I am seeing coaches focused in on helping people sort through their piles of shrapnel left behind by the past couple of years that were added onto the previous amount of flotsam and jetsam that they were already carrying around.
In short, many of us feel too “full” but are struggling with how to get relief. A vacation or week away just isn’t enough to undo it now. So where do we start? How do we start?
Start here. Right now. This moment. Take a big breath.
Remember when we were kids and we would take in a breath so big that our bellies would stick out and we would laugh and say “Look at me, I look pregnant!”? Do a big breath like that again. Let your belly out as far as it can go (don’t worry, it won’t stick like that). Hold that breath for a count of four. Let it out. All the way out. Breathe it out until it is gone and then give it one more little push. Clear those lungs. Do it again. Heck, do it five times. If you get dizzy, take a break and then try it again. Get some clean oxygen into your body and get the stale stuff out.
No, it won’t fix it all.
Yes, it will help calm your nervous system and clear your mind a bit…for a moment. But isn’t this moment really all that we have? Let’s start here.
Get the relief you can, where you can, as you can.
Breathe in so big that you belly sticks all the way out and your chest rises full.
Breathe in love, breathe out confusion.
Breathe in love, breathe out frustration.
Breathe in love, breathe out negativity.
Breathe in love, breathe out everything else.
Revive in this moment.
It just takes one initial big breath to start. It’s okay if doing this makes you cry a little. It is a release. It often hits me this way and letting some of this go feels so good. It all starts with one big breath…which led me to one blogpost…and now we have begun again.
We are All Changed.
2020 is three quarters finished. It seems like we have been in this year for a decade. In other years, September would arrive and I would get the feelings of “this year is almost over already!”. This year I am staring at the September calendar and thinking “still three more months until this year can be officially OVER.” I am not one to wish time away (it is the one resource we can never get more of and we don’t even know how much of it we actually have). But, like you, I am tired. This intensity of upheaval in this year was more than unexpected and I am changed. We are all changed.
What has changed for you? Your job? Your location where you work? Your ability to travel? Your health? Your plans? Those are just a few of the surface things that have changed. They are the outside view of what has been shaken, broken, redistributed and realigned underneath.
Underneath the pandemic, the racial injustice, the politics, the economy crashing, the passionate and widely opposing views of all of those things is where we are wounded, bleeding, and many are healing. We have seen ourselves – our deepest selves – and now must decide who we will be going forward.
We have been faced with stark realizations that we are not as free as we want to be. We are not as safe as we hoped we were. We do not know the hearts of many that we once saw as allies. We have lost loved ones to illness, we have lost others to the shock of seeing our morality based differences. We have had to look hard at ourselves and what we are willing to tolerate, accept and actually be. We are not done. None of this is done.
The unknowing of what is coming next looms over everyone. We have had our eyes opened to the fact that none of us ever knew what was coming before; we just lived our lives as if we were safe and in control of our own destiny. We took so much for granted; especially our most valuable pieces of life; our time and our connections to each other. We found ourselves in a world of questions and conflicting answers and what made it worse was that we found ourselves widely alone in a social distancing nightmare. For those of us who naturally try to gather and connect during crisis, this was particularly hard. No gathering in person. No hugging. No being physically close.
For many of us, our homes which used to be our sanctuaries became our prisons. We were told to stay in them, separated and alone – relationships on the computer screen or cell phones. Supplies disappeared, and we felt the fear of lack that we had not known before. Menial things took on great importance: basic things like toilet paper and hand sanitizer. We covered our faces, or refused to. We stopped seeing the faces of others in person or when we ventured out in public. Public now came with a new sense of “unsafe.” Connections in our humanity got harder to recognize. Are they smiling at me or wincing? Can you tell from 6 feet away? Lines between us began to be drawn on which sources of information we would now believe and follow. Anything that weakens our ability to connect from a place of humanity puts us in danger.
Our sense of belonging and security was all questioned. Everything was questioned. Everything is still questioned. That is not necessarily a bad thing as many of the questions were long overdue. Still, more lines between us are drawn as some of our answers are so vastly polarized from the answers of others. Eyes have been opened whether they wanted to be or not. Many minds have expanded while others have slammed shut. We all think we are right when our beliefs are strong. What I am seeing and hearing now though is this; Our differences don’t seem to be rooted in skin color, gender, political party or neighborhood, they are rooted in our hearts. Open or closed? Either way, this year has done something excruciatingly well: It has changed us all and there is no going back.
Mind your change. Make sure it is the one YOU choose from your own place of love. Fear will separate us and destroy what is good. Love makes room and our humanity grows. What pieces of you have changed? What is changing you most? Fear or love? Where are you choosing to put your power?
In all honesty, it is fear that changed me when the many crisis and struggles of this year started coming. I grappled with fear for months. I searched for my footing, my true core beliefs. I fell numb for a short time to try to adjust to a world, a life, a daily experience that was all unexpected, strange, painful, and whose duration was unknown. I felt fear stealing my power to create. I was reacting to the pain and scared. I will not tell you otherwise. This year has been unbelievably difficult and being a coach, therapist, leader (and chronic over-achiever) has added an extra layer of pressure to try to get myself together faster and stronger than others. I am okay with that. We are stronger than we think we are.
I am still holding tight to my belief that the majority of people are inherently GOOD and that love will ultimately win. Most people are resilient, adaptive, and want a more loving, just and peaceful existence. We are making hard choices and finding new ways of being who we choose to be, not just whom we were told to be. We are letting go of things (and sometimes people) that are not part of the future we want to see. This is a time of awareness and action and doing hard things (even if the hard thing to do is to stop doing what we were doing before).
I believe in love and our collective humanity and while fear woke us up and started this change, I believe it is up to use to now consciously put love in charge again to choose what changes next.
