Laugh Lines of Graceful Distinction
I don’t mean to discount anyone who is wrestling with the aging process or anyone who is really truly vested in never looking like they have been on the planet as long as they truly have…but I had an experience yesterday that continues to play in my mind and now I will write it here so it can leave me alone.
I have crows feet on my face. On each outside corner of my eyes are lines. They are deep. They don’t go away when my face is relaxed. They get very deep when I am talking, or laughing. I laugh a lot. My lines are permanent. I can’t see them unless I am in front of a mirror or looking at a photo, but I know they are there and they don’t bother me. I have spent many years smiling and I hope to have many more.
Yesterday, while making my way through one of the most prominent (aka expensive) shopping centers in my metropolis, I was stopped by a man handing out a sample of something. It looked like jewelry cleaner (it had a diamond on it). It has been a while since I have cleaned my wedding band, so I stopped (rarely do I do this when I am firmly aware that I am about to be sold to). Turns out it wasn’t jewelry cleaner, it was skin care. I say “care” loosely here as it was really cosmetics designed to alter the appearance of your skin whether or not it is actually “good” for your skin to use them.
Not being a rude sort of person, and realizing it was ME that stopped and gave the green light, I patiently spent 30 seconds (no laughing!) to listen. Before I knew it, there was a magnifying mirror up to my face and a cotton swab of goo being dabbed next my eye.
“How does that feel?” was the question being posed. “sticky” was my answer. Not what he was looking for, I’m sure.
The mirror returned. “do you see how those lines are already going AWAY?” Um…I guess so. “just wait another few seconds and you will see.”
I felt a sudden fear of loss that didn’t seem quite reasonable and sort of surprised me. “Hey. I am on my way to a meeting, am I going to look like Bell’s palsy victim with one eye drooping and one crazily open?” I asked. Humor is my favorite defense mechanism.
He was UNAMUSED.
Then the slight fear turned into something closer to annoyance and I finally said it. “Why do you think I need to lose my laugh lines? I got those from years of being happy. Why would I want to give them up?”
“Of course” he says. “You EARNED those. But don’t you want to age GRACEFULLY?”
That was it. I’m done. Apparently I do NOT want to age gracefully if that means putting up with being sticky and gooey (and broke – that stuff was expensive!) and having some young man without my life experience give me advice on growing or losing anything – even my laugh lines, crows feet, or whatever you want to call them. I left that twisted, self-judging, version of graceful with him as I laughed and said “Nope! I guess not!” while I turned and walked away.
Yes, I am sure he disagreed with my philosophy. I am also pretty sure that he chalked his encounter with me up to just one more crazy aging woman who doesn’t get how important looking oddly young for your age is. I am sure there was someone else to take my place just moments later and who may have actually forked over the $400 to age “gracefully” with gooey, puff-less, line-less eyes.
Not me. I am old enough to know better and thankful to have so many smiles that they stayed.
Are You Scared Enough?
There is something amazing about working with a highly skilled coach whose focus and purpose is to help you find clarity, purpose and momentum to truly achieve what you dream of. Yes, I know, I am coach, but I am actually not talking about myself here. I believe that every good leader and every great coach does even better when they have a highly skilled and trusted coach of their own. If there is anything I have learned about leadership in these past several years, it is to not lead alone.
So, this brings me to the question at the top of this page. It is a question that I was asked recently by a highly skilled coach and it resonated with me to point that I felt compelled to share it with you. “Are you scared enough?”
What she was referring to was whether or not I was truly reaching outside of my own comfort zone and purposefully placing myself in the space where real growth happens. Was I riding on my success of the past, or creating new success for the future in a bigger, bolder way?
This is an excellent question. You see, I have lived outside of what most would describe as a “comfort zone” for so many years that much of it has become, well, comfortable. I lead large professional women’s groups. I love it. I am inspired and energized by it. I am also comfortable doing it. I volunteer with non-profits that are working hard to make great improvements in the world and improve the plight of others and I love it. I have been doing it a long time. I am usually quite comfortable there too. I work with clients in my mentoring and coaching practice and help them reach beyond what they used to think of as their limits and it makes my heart sing, my step springy and my gratitude soar. You guessed it, I am often comfortable there too. I love to solve problems and when those problems are within the realm of my highest expertise, I thrive on their resolution. I love change. I am one of those strange and rare people who LOVE change.
Here is the challenge. I can feel myself slipping into auto-pilot more and more often because I am in my groove, in my comfort zone, in my realm of high expertise. I love change and I love growth. Growth is slow inside of the comfort zone…and so I talked to a coach. My task for her was “help me figure out how to keep growing in ways that I can’t see today.”
Opportunities surround us every day, even if we don’t always recognize them for what they are. I started looking for opportunities that I wasn’t seeing before and added some time into my morning meditation for remaining open to new challenges to help me grow. I got one!
I was offered a new CEO position of a new start-up company in an industry that I haven’t been spending my full attention on for several years. The tasks at hand were to help negotiate contracts between investors, get the financial strategy laid out, get the strategic operational plan in place, get the marketing in order, get the business connections intact, get the first employees on board, break through conservative sales projections and get to profitability as quickly as possible so that our investors are happy, the company is financially stable and we could then hire more employees and continue to grow. Really…is that all you want me to do? This is the culmination of all of my experiences from the last several years put together in one big & hairy time-sensitive creative responsibility-laden exciting thought-challenging relationship-building solution- seeking conglomeration of CHANGE. Scary as hell, isn’t it?
I accepted.
I threw my hands in the air in celebration (I love leading and creating and solving problems and relationship building!)…and then I grabbed my nauseated stomach and called my coach. I told her that I knew I was on the right path not because of the excitement – but because of the nausea. It feels good to be out of my comfort zone once again in the land of growth and change and possibility. Does it scare me enough? Yes… enough to wake me up in the middle of the night…this is exciting! I am growing again.
How about you? Are you scared enough of what you are doing to know that you are growing beyond your original vision?
Women Change the World when they embrace their strength and their power within themselves and refuse to under-live their lives.
Mentoring Magic
Behind every successful woman, you will find….. what?
That is a great question to ask as you look to improve your own life and level of success. What do you need? What will support you, motivate you and increase your opportunities? My answer? A mentor.
What is a mentor?
A mentor is someone else with more experience, connections and knowledge who can help guide you on your way. It is someone who wants to see you rise above where you are at and be part of your greatness solution. It is someone who is willing to spend time and energy to listen and understand…and then help you move past where you are at through providing connections, advice or through leading by example.
A mentor is not someone who solves your problems or tells you what to do or pays your bills or makes excuses for you.
So, where do you find a mentor? That depends on what you want one for.
Some common areas of mentorship are personal and business help. (there are also spiritual mentors and education mentors too!). Check out more info at www.findamentor.org
Personal: If you are looking for a mentor to help you in your personal life, seek out someone who embodies the kind of person you most want to be. There are some great mentoring programs being offered through organizations like AZ Foundation for Women’s Live & Learn program. www.azfw.org
Business: If you are looking for a business mentor and are a business owner, get yourself to your local National Association of Women Business Owners chapter and join. If you are in the Phoenix area, you can apply for an award winning mentoring program that is free to members! Check it out at www.nawbophx.org
If you are an employee and looking for a mentor to help you advance your career, take a look at the leaders in your organization and ask your human resources department to help you locate a successful higher level person who may be willing to help.
Find those people that can show you the way and start a conversation. Be super respectful of their time and don’t take it personally if they aren’t able to help you right now. Find ways to be of service to others and keep your connections positive. Ask yourself what it is about the people you admire that makes them admirable to you. Emulate those traits.
Can’t find the right mentor? Find help for yourself. Try this book: Be Your Own Mentor: Strategies from Top Women on the Secrets of Success by Sheila Wellington and Betty Spence.
Whatever you do, don’t give up. You are worth the effort and the world needs your best!
Want to be a mentor? That is GREAT…and that is another blog post to come…
Leading through Service
- servant leadership students
Effective, strong leaders are not what they used to be. That is in no way, shape or form meant as a complaint…it is a statement of the evolution of the leadership and the pathway to a better world.
Leadership, like pretty much everything else, has changed over time in many parts of the world. Strong leaders used to lead firmly from the top. There was a clear and enforced heirachy of who was in charge and whose orders were to be followed. Leaders led by giving orders with or without divulging the details of why, and everyone “under” them followed, or were punished. This works pretty well in the military and when the leaders are experienced and trained and the followers are inexperienced and wouldn’t know what to do without instructions. This also is the framework in some family systems (cultures) and some forms of government where people don’t have a choice or a voice (yes, this picture was taken in China). This autocratic, (dare I say communist?) style of leadership does not empower others to strive, create, or problem solve from their best, wisest, passionate self. To have a new, better world, we need new better leadership that encourages creative solutions and truly meaningful devotion and commitment that is not derived merely from fear of punishment, shame, demotion, or abandonment.
Welcome to Servant Leadership!
Today’s leadership has evolved from leading to serving. As a leader and, quite simply, as a human being, I love this change. Today’s effective, strong leaders are courageous enough to be transparent, to be less than perfect, and to spend their time in service to their team. This new servant leader is able to keep the long range vision and strategy in mind while trusting the team to make decisions within their responsible areas and move together with new ideas, problem solving and individual talents. This new leader shares credit, creates an atmosphere of encouragement and leads by example in solving conflict and respecting the views and experiences of others. This is a higher functioning leader that grows more leaders.
Here are 10 important traits of a good servant leader. I hope this helps you to find your best leader and serve your team to new levels of success:
- A Servant Leader cultivates a trust culture
- A Servant Leader values diverse opinions and skills
- A Servant Leader develops leadership in others
- A Servant Leader acknowledges and helps with life issues (not just work performance)
- A Servant Leader encourages others to see their own value
- A Servant Leader thinks of others first
- A Servant Leader sells ideas instead of “tells” others how to think
- A Servant Leader thinks long-term
- A Servant Leader gives credit to others (acts with humility)
- A Servant Leader always takes responsibility for missed goals without blame or shame pointed at others
When asked why I choose to be a leader, my answer is that “I don’t want to be in charge; I want to lead the charge.” I want everyone to be successful together – and with quality servant leadership, the greatness of your team will get you all there!
Women Change the World by Leading By Example and Helping More Women Succeed!
Living as Part of the Solution
“If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.”
I remember hearing that a long, long time ago and feeling the intended spark of responsibility start to grow within me. It was the time that I started to realize that being part of the solution required something of me – it required more than a conscious choice; it demanded action. Doing nothing was part of the problem. It is not enough to mindfully do nothing to contribute to the problem. I mindfully do not take more than my share, do not intentionally hurt others, do not throw trash on the ground, do not put chemicals down the sink, do not consciously waste resources by over purchasing, over spending, over consuming, etc. These are non actions that are part of living in integrity with my values, but they are not enough to turn the tide and to create and promote SOLUTIONS. It is not enough to sit back, do less and expect progress to happen.
Instead of not taking more than our share, what if we simplified further and gave away everything we do not actually use to someone else who would benefit from it?
What if instead of not intentionally hurting someone else, we go out of our way to help someone else; even people we don’t know and who won’t even know it was us?
Instead of only conscientiously putting trash in the recycle bin, what if we paid attention to packaging, to what we actually need and we made less trash to start with?
Instead of disposing of hazardous chemicals properly, let’s choose to purchase products that are non-hazardous to begin with – reducing toxins in our own lives and reducing the poisons being released into the world.
Instead of not wasting resources, what if we figured out how to live well on less, reducing our resource footprint and encouraged others to do the same? Reuse, recycle, share, donate, team up to get free from the trap of thinking we need bigger, better, more in order to feel successful, wealthy or worthy.
These ideas take effort and action and while they seem like something else to spend our time and energy on, once you make them part of your life, you just might be surprised at how much space and energy they free up for you to live a healthier, happier, more peaceful life as part of the SOLUTION to a healthier, happier world.
What are you doing today that is contributing to the problems and what can you do not only to stop, but to reverse the damage?
What if you were brave enough to look at even tougher problems and see how doing nothing was allowing them to continue to exist? What if by taking action, signing a petition, making a donation, taking a stand, volunteering your time, energy, talent, you could help change the world? Think bigger.
What would it take to end world hunger? Violence again women? Bullying? Extreme poverty? Human trafficking? When the problems seem too big, it is common to stop and feel powerless – but that is where we are wrong. That is where doing nothing makes us all part of the problem, not part of the solution. Feeling powerless is part of the problem. Don’t allow it, don’t accept it, don’t buy in to the idea that the problems are too big, or that you are too busy, or don’t have the time, energy, resources, etc to be part of a bigger solution. Don’t put off being part of the solution to another more convenient time (there isn’t one). Being part of the problem is not serving you, or anyone else. It is not fueling you, it is not growing you or improving your life. Take an action towards a bigger solution and release yourself from the growing ache and underlying guilt that comes with inaction and being part of the problem. Your heart will thank you; and the world will be a better place.
Women change the world when they are willing to take personal responsibility for their actions and inactions and insist on being part of the solution.
